MURDER - Script for S1E1 "The End"

The End (v0.3)
(Still being edited, but is mostly done...more detail needs to be added to the final few minutes)

Verbose Version
This script WILL take a while to download as it has all the extra details

This script was transcribed by SmeggerUK for the MURDER site (http://www.murder.i12.com)

Q. Is it Power circuits, poorer circuits, porous circuits or what?

[Int. corridor, viewed through wire mesh]
(Rimmer and Lister walk into scene, Rimmer is carrying a clipboard and Lister is pushing a trolley, probably for carrying the tools they would need for mechanic work. Rimmer seems to be inspecting something out of camera view, possibly a pipe or maybe some sort of dial....just another of their duties.)

Lister: "To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir I've been around...."
Rimmer: "Lister? Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?"
(Lister shakes his head, Rimmer turns to look at him)
Rimmer: "No? Just shut up and push the trolley!"
(Rimmer starts walking off along the corridor. Lister fakes a salute behind Rimmer's back)
Lister: "Yes sir, Rimmer!"
(Lister follows Rimmer along the corridor)

[Int. corridor, Food Dispenser on the right]
(Rimmer and Lister walk into scene, Rimmer looking at a panel next to the Dispenser. The panel is totally out of camera view. Lister pushes the trolley up next to Rimmer. As Rimmer walks up to and look at the panel, he says....)

Rimmer: "Right, corridor 159..."
(Lister starts humming the tune he was singing earlier, at the same time as Rimmer is writing something on his clipboard)
Rimmer: "Lister, shut up!"
Lister: "I'm only humming!"
Rimmer: "Well don't!"
(Rimmer looks down at his clipboard. Lister stops humming and rests his head on his hands, his elbows leaning against the trolley. Suddenly he starts "playing" his cheeks, slapping his hands against them to the tune he was humming earlier)
Rimmer: "Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks."
(Lister starts using his tongue against the roof of his mouth like he did with his hands and cheeks, and "clicks" the same tune as before. Rimmer turns to Lister, pointing at him, and says...)
Rimmer: "Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report miladdo!..."
(Rimmer turns back to his clipboard and points at it briefly, saying...)
Rimmer: "...What job number's this?"
(Lister mimes saying "you said for me not to say anything..." and Rimmer retaliates by....getting a pen from his shirt pocket)
Rimmer: "Right, that's it!"
(Rimmer starts writing on his clipboard)
Rimmer: "Lister, D; third technician. Offence: Obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking and being quiet. When the captain sees this, you're dead!"
(Lister is eating a pie when he says...)
Lister: "Rimmer, I'm bored!"
Rimmer: "Bored?!?! This is essential routine maintenance! It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship..."
(Rimmer looks down at his clipboard and reads out what it says. Lister is just finishing off the pie, and licking his fingers)
Rimmer: "...Dispenser 172, chicken soup nozzle clogged"
(Rimmer puts the clipboard down on the trolley, looks over at Lister, then at the dispenser and says...)
Rimmer: "Pass me a 14b, Lister..."
(Lister puts down the pie onto the trolley as Rimmer holds his hand out for something. Lister takes what seems like either a pipecleaner or a straw...see our "unresolved issues" list. Rimmer looks at the "pipecleaner" and then looks at Lister)
Rimmer: "Lister, is this a 14b? Does it look even remotely like a 14b?"
(Rimmer takes out another "pipecleaner" from the trolley, and holds it up next to the original one....Both are indistinguishable from each other. He lowers the arm with the "pipecleaner" Lister gave him to concentrate on the other one)
Rimmer: "This is a 14b..."
(Rimmer lifts the arm with the old one, emphasising it)
Rimmer: "This is a 14f, are you blind?"
Lister: "Who cares?"
Rimmer: "I care, Lister!"
(Rimmer lifts up both arms with the pipecleaners, looks at the two, notices the similarity and can't tell the difference, and puts the 14b back on the trolley. Rimmer goes over to the dispenser and starts poking the nozzle as he says...)
Rimmer: "It's my career, Lister. I'm the one who gets it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar...."
(Rimmer stops poking the nozzle and presses a button on the dispenser, saying as he does this...)
Rimmer: "Chicken soup!"
(The dispenser makes a weird humming noise as it dispenses a red beaker with Chicken soup. He takes the cup and takes a sip, spitting it out over the floor almost immediately. Rimmer puts the cup back onto the dispensing tray and says...)
Rimmer: "Yup, that's working"
Lister: "It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business..."
(Lister picks up the beaker with the Chicken soup. As he does so, Rimmer picks up his clipboard from the trolley)
Lister: "The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us!"
(Lister takes a taste of the soup and almost spits it out, but stops himself. He takes another sip. Rimmer takes a look at Lister and says....)
Rimmer: "Lister, that is absolute nonsense...."
(Rimmer takes a look at his clipboard)
Rimmer: "Right, what's next? Botanical gardens: faulty poorer circuit in corridor 147: a sticking door"
(Rimmer and Lister walk off in the direction they came down the corridor from earlier)

[Int. corridor, they're all so alike]
(Rimmer and Lister walk into scene, Rimmer is holding his clipboard in front of him so he can easily look at it. Lister follows behind, pushing the trolley and says....)

Lister: "It's true, you know tho', Rimmer, you rank below all four of those service robots, even the one that's gone absolutely mad."
(Lister emphasises the "absolutely mad" by pointing at the side of his head and twirling his finger in a circle. As Lister says "Service robots", Rimmer stops and turns in Lister's direction....Rimmer is now looking at his clipboard and saying....)
Rimmer: "Lister, well not for long, matey...up up up, that's where I'm going!"
(Lister takes a cigarette and a lighter from on the trolley and cleans the end of the cigarette by rubbing it)
Lister: "Not until you pass your engineers exam, and you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again"
Rimmer: "Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins!"
(Rimmer emphasises this by using his hand to show how narrow the margin was)
Lister: "You what? You walked in there, wrote "I am a fish" 400 times, did a funny little dance and fainted!"
(Lister starts lighting his cigarette as he finishes his sentence)
Rimmer: "That's a total lie!"
Lister: "No it's not, Petersen told me!"
(Rimmer mimicks Lister and says...)
Rimmer: "No it's not, Petersen told me!...."
(Rimmer goes back to his normal self)
Rimmer: "....Lister, if you must know, what I did was I wrote a discourse on poorer circuits which was simply too radical, too unconventional, too mouldbreaking for the examiners to accept."
Lister: "Yeah, you said you were a fish!"
Rimmer: "Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?"
Lister: "No, it's a chicken"
Rimmer: "Right, you're on report!"
(Rimmer brings his clipboard up from his side and starts leafing through the pages)
Rimmer: "Two times in as many minutes, Lister, I dunno!"
(Lister shakes his head. As he does so, Todhunter comes into view [stage right])
Todhunter: "Rimmer, Lister?"
Rimmer: "Yes sir!"
(As Rimmer says this, he drops his clipboard...probably trying to get it onto the trolley...and salutes Todhunter)
Lister: "Yo, Todhunter, get down!"
(As Lister says this he stamps his feet. When he finishes, he puts the cigarette in his ear and picks up the pie again)
Todhunter: "Indeed...Now, er, Rimmer, I'm just going through McIntyre's artifacts, and I see that you've filed 247 complaints....against Lister!"
Rimmer: "Yes sir!"
(As Rimmer says this, he smiles in a smug way)
Todhunter: "That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination....and one count of mutiny!"
Rimmer: "Yes sir!"
(Rimmer says this, still smiling smugly. Todhunter looks at Lister)
Todhunter: "Mutiny, Lister?"
Lister: "I stood on his toe!"
(Lister says this while eating the pie)
Rimmer: "Maliciously and with intent to wound!"
Lister: "It was an accident!"
(Lister speaks with his mouth full as he says this)
Rimmer: "Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident...you didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty"
Lister: "The vital duty was he was gonna snap my guitar in 'alf"
Rimmer: "Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot..."
(Todhunter interjects, trying to stop Rimmer from continuing....)
Todhunter: "Alright, that's enough!"
(Rimmer continues unabated)
Rimmer: "Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping! Clearly a risk, clearly therefore mutiny"
Todhunter: "Finished?"
Rimmer: "However, I'm not a vindictive man so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty"
Todhunter: "There are 169 people on board this ship, you, Rimmer, are over one man! Why can't you two get on?"
Lister: You see, I try sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy 'cos he's such a smeghead!"
Rimmer: "Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?"
(Todhunter laughs and leans on Rimmer's shoulder in a friendly way)
Todhunter: "Ohhh Rimmer...."
(Rimmer smiles and looks at Todhunter)
Todhunter: "....You are a smeghead!
(Rimmer's face drops from a smile, and he can't believe Todhunter just said that. Lister laughs....no point transcribing that as an actual line, is there:)
Rimmer: "You heard that, Lister...With respect, sir, your career's over, Todhunter, you're finished, you big lig, yaaagh!"

[Int. Drive room.]
(A number of personnel are gathered together around the central table. Among the personnel Is Captain Hollister, Todhunter and Kristine Kochanski, as well as a skutter. All the personnel are wearing black bands around their left arm to signify respect for one of the dead crew, George McIntyre. A cannister containing his ashes is on the table....)

Hollister: "We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George McIntyre. George was a excellent officer and as good a friend as anyone could hope to have, and he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know. I now commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much."
(Hollister picks up the cannister and holds it)
Hollister: "Goodbye, George! We'll miss you!"
(He posts it through a swing-bin type hole on the table and presses a button. The cannister is sucked through this hole out into space)
Hollister: "This is a piece of music he 'specially requested. Start the tape please, Hol"
("See ya later, alligator" starts blaring through the speakers...The skutter and one of the personnel at the back starts to dance to it, twisting left and right)

[Int. Sleeping quarters of Lister and Rimmer.]
(Lister is looking out of his window at the stars. The "see ya later, alligator" music is still blaring, though this time through the TV screen on which Lister was watching the funeral. Lister is on the top bunk and Rimmer, although he can't be seen in this shot, is sitting on the bottom bunk making notes on his arm)

Lister: "There goes McIntyre....Bye George! That was George!"
Rimmer: "Really? I thought it was Mary, Queen of Scots.....OFF!"
(The TV screen flickers off)
Lister: "Hey, I was watching that!"
Rimmer: "Well, tough!"
(Lister leans off of his bunk and goes for his guitar)
Rimmer: "You touch that guitar, Lister, and I'll remove the E string and garotte you with it!"
Lister: "Can I do anything? Is it okay if I breathe? Can I breathe?"
(Lister emphasises this by breathing into Rimmer's face)
Rimmer: "Lister, I have an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass!"
Lister: "Yeah, I know, by cheating!"
Rimmer: "This is not cheating...."
(Rimmer lifts his arm up to show Lister that writing notes on his arm isn't cheating)
Rimmer: "....It's merely an aid to memory, helps me marshal the facts already in my command"
Lister: "What does? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body? Why don't you hand your body and let them mark that?"
Rimmer: "Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't academy educated! Someone who didn't have the right nobby background! Someone who didn't have the right parents!"
Lister: "You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?"
Rimmer: "My parents, the wrong parents!"
Lister: "I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?"
Rimmer: "Well, you would, Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive! You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship"
Lister: "I'm not the lowest rank on this ship! What about the laboratory mice? You tell those mice to do something they've got to jump to it...."
(Lister mimics a mouse saluting him and saying....)
Lister: "Yes Mr. Lister, sir, eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh!"
Rimmer: "Lister, you are a nothing"
Lister: "I'm not a nothing, I've got me plan!"
Rimmer: "Whats that, the plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe?"
Lister: "No, me five-year plan! You see, I'm gonna do two more trips, and I've been saving up all me pay..."
Rimmer: "Since when?"
Lister: "Since always! That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or anything like that, y'know! Anyway, I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji, I'm gonna get a sheep and a cow and breed horses!"
Rimmer: "With a sheep and a cow?"
Lister: "No, with horses and horses"
Rimmer: "On Fiji?"
Lister: "Yeah, the prices there are unbelievable"
Rimmer: "Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three feet below sea level!"
Lister: "It's only three feet, they can wade! That's why the animals are going to have to be quite tall."
Rimmer: "Nice plan, Lister, excellent plan, brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What you gonna do, buy them water wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton....baaa...pssh...baaa...pssh!"
(Rimmer uses his pen to mimic the shephin....mix of dolphin and sheep....leaping in and out of the water)
Lister: "You can get a drainage grant these days!"
Rimmer: "Why bother. Lister? You can be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear!"
Lister: "Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you, because I knew you'd say something like this!"
Rimmer: "Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich..."
(Rimmer mimics a Somerset farmer accent and pretends to swim across the room as he says....)
Rimmer: "Mornin' farmer Lister, I'm just popping down the shops in moi submarine, can oi boi you anything?"
(A low horn sound is heard, and Holly comes up on-screen.)
Holly: "The welcome back George MacIntyre reception is about to begin in the refectory. George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral."
(As this is said, Rimmer gets his and Lister's coat. He hands Lister his coat, and as Lister is about to grab it, Rimmer drops it on the floor and walks out the room. Lister picks it up, runs after Rimmer, then kicks his right leg, trying to trip him up)

[Ext. Ship view....travelling left to right]

[Int. Refectory]
(Various crew members lounging around. The atmosphere is smoky, noisy and brightly lit. Skutters are on-hand to collect rubbish and keep the place tidy. Shot to Rimmer reading and trying to remember the notes written on his arm. Petersen walks past and Rimmer looks up. Petersen shakes his head and tuts in a "bad boy" way. In the background, Chen is banging a spoon onto the table, playing the "dare" game where you have to miss your fingers with the knife while stabbing it down between alternate fingers. Shot to "left to right" Chen, Selby, Lister and Petersen at a black table, other tables in the background)

Petersen: "Have you seen Rimmer's arm?"
Chen: "No, oim waiting for it to come out in paperback!"
(The four of them laugh together...When they stop, Chen puts the bowl of the spoon over his right eye and everyone turns their attention to Lister and Petersen as Lister says....)
Lister: "Hey, here....Petersen, have you got a coin?"
(Petersen searches for a coin in his sock, and takes one out. He thumps it down on the table. Lister picks it up)
Lister: "I've just been shown this great new intelligence test. What you've gotta do, is force the coin onto your forehead, and the more times you've can bang yourself on the head without it falling off, the more intelligent you are!"
(Lister bangs himself on the back of the head four times during the marked "bold" part of the above line and the coin drops onto the table. Petersen psychs himself up for the challenge, and takes off his hat)
Lister: "You gonna go for it? He's going for it!"
(Lister holds the back of Petersen's head and forces the coin onto his forehead using one finger)
Lister: "You ready? Can you feel it?"
Petersen: "Yep!"
Lister: "Can you feel it?"
Petersen: "Yep!"
(Lister removes his hands from Petersen's head, and takes the coin as well. Petersen doesn't notice the coin has gone)
Lister: "Can you feel it?"
Petersen: "Yep!"
Lister: "Go!"
(Lister, Chen and Selby encourage Petersen to start...Petersen starts banging himself on the back of the head....)
Lister: "Wooah!"
(All three "except Petersen" put their arms forward, shake their hands and go "brrrrrrr" to egg Petersen on......The room starts going quiet, with exception for a number of people going "shhhh"....The room eventually goes almost totally silent...Cut to Rimmer still reading his arm....Cut to Hollister, Todhunter and MacIntyre at the front of the crowd, facing everyone else. Hollister speaks, and he has a mixed English-American accent, mostly American)
Hollister: "Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy; Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy because George is back with us, albeit as a hologram! Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before, so I ask you to treat him as a normal man...because he is, in every respect, like George. He has George's personality and George's knowledge and experience. Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, so I ask you to co-operate with his requests. And please, take every care not to walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry! Thank you!"
(The crowd claps and cheers a little, and whistles and cries of "speech" can be heard. McIntyre gets up and addresses the crowd. McIntyre has a Welsh accent....The words in italics are emphasised in his Welsh accent)
MacIntyre: "I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral! I've just seen the vid! But I wanna thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy......beautiful.....but I still don't understand why he didn't use the one I wrote! This must seem pretty spooky...but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages!....I think Joe knows what I'm talking about! As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram, so my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: If you die, I'll kill you!"
(The crowd clap and cheer McIntyre briefly, and then Todhunter stands up and says...)
Todhunter: "Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake"
(The crowd stand up, and McIntyre cuts the cake...Todhunter raises his glass in a toast...)
Todhunter: "Flight co-ordinator George McIntyre!"
(Everyone replies with "George"....and in the background we hear someone gargling the drink...then spit it out. Everyone starts clapping)
Hollister: "Just one thing before the disco; Er, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human lifeform aboard..."
Lister: "Sir, it's Rimmer!"
Hollister: "We don't know what it is, Lister! So just be careful, okay?"
Lister: "I'm turning you in, Rimmer!"
(Rimmer takes a black book from his pocket, and takes a pen out as well)
Lister and his gang: "Oooooooohh!"

[Int. Sleeping quarters of Rimmer and Lister]
(Rimmer is sitting on the bottom bunk in t-shirt and shorts, his legs and arms covered with writing. Lister is sleeping on the top bunk.)

Rimmer: "Right, they're bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10%. The..they must ask the left thigh, which is 20%. They've got to ask one of the forearms, which means I've passed already. Anything on the left shin's a bonus! Right, CUTIE: Current under tension is....what's this? Current under tension is equal? Current under tension is expandable? Current under tension is expensive?" (Rimmer starts to panic) "What does this mean? What does any of this mean? I've covered my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish! Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax..."
(Lister wakes up, presumably by all the noise Rimmer is making. Rimmer tries to hide his panic...)
Rimmer: "Er, plus 20 per cent of the ship's course minus the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the X axis minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf, which means I know everything about astro-engineering. Good morning, Lister, for probably the last time."
Lister: "You've got it all down, have you, Rimmer?"
Rimmer: "Couple of blanks...."(Rimmer slaps his rear)"....but I think we're there."
Lister: "So you can't remember anything?"
Rimmer: "Think what you will, Lister."
(Rimmer starts pulling on his overalls)
Lister: "Rimmer, F...I...S...H, that's how you spell 'fish'. Then you just keel over. I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you."
Rimmer: "Dry up, Lister.
(A honking sound is heard)
Holly: "Will entrants for the engineer's examination now make their way to the teaching room."
Lister: "Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck."
Rimmer: "It's all right, Lister. I'm in complete and total control."
(Rimmer picks up his briefcase and leaves the cabin, turning right. After a short pause, he hurries back across the doorway in the opposite direction)
Lister: "Lock." (Nothing happens.) "Lock!" (The door closes and presumably locks as well)
(Lister climbs down from his bunk. We hear faint meows. He opens a locker, pulls out a bottle of milk and a bowl, and goes over to an air conditioning grating on the wall.)
Lister: (Calling into the grating) "Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein!"
(Lister puts the bowl on the floor and pours some milk into it, spilling half of it all over the floor. Then he opens the grating and lifts out a large black cat.)
Lister: "Oh, you're getting really big now, you know? I hope it's not twins. You've already got all me milk ration. Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe we can give him water and pretend it's milk. It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh? Eh?" (Lister pulls a photo out of his pocket) "Do you want to see my picture of Fiji again, Frankie? You're going to love it there. Look." (Lister holds the photo up to the Cat, who looks the other way)

[Int. Examining room.]
(Rimmer and several others are taking the exam. Todhunter is monitoring.
Rimmer is sitting at his desk at the back right of the room (top left to us) and exercising his arms in preparation. Todhunter walks up the aisle between the tables towards Rimmer, looking down at everyone's table as he passes. He seems to give Rimmer an extra long look, as if to say "what the hell are you doing?" and continues on. He turns around (now facing the camera) and addresses the room:)

Todhunter: "Okay, everybody. You've got three hours...." (Rimmer picks up the ruler at the end of his table and holds it at arms length. He runs one hand along its length while holding it with the other, then puts it down again. While he does this, Todhunter continues:) "....No modems, no speaking slide rules. Turn over and start. Good luck."
(Rimmer turns over his paper and starts the timer on his stopwatch, then examines his paper. He uses his pen to point to each question as he reads them, and begins to look more and more confused. He turns the sheet over, to see if there are any more questions, then looks around at the others. One looks back, and gives Rimmer the thumbs up. but they all seem to be doing all right. Finally...after checking that Todhunter isn't looking....Rimmer rolls up his sleeve. Unfortunately he discovers that he's smeared all his notes into illegibility! After sitting there in mortal terror for a moment, he simply slams down his ink-covered hand onto the paper to leave a palm- print. He signs it, stands up, gives the bemused Todhunter a spectacular triple-Rimmer salute, and faints.)

[Int. Drive room.]
(Various people doing the usual technical-looking things that people need to do to run a huge spaceship. Lister walks in and goes to Kristine Kochanski's station.)

Lister: "Hi. Where's the Captain's office?"
Kochanski: "Over there, Where it says Captain's Office. Where it's always said Captain's Office."
Lister: "So that's the Captain's office! So how are you then?"
Kochanski: "Fine."
Lister: "Do you know what he wants to see me for?"
Kochanski: "Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral."
Lister: "Oh yeah?"
Kochanski: "Yeah. For your diligence and general devotion to duty."
Lister: "Oh yeah?!"
(Captain Hollister walks in from his office.)
Hollister: "Lister!"
(He motions for Lister to come into his office, which Lister does, smiling.)
Lister: "You asked to see me, Captain?"
Hollister: "Where's the cat?"
Lister: "What? What cat?"
Hollister: "Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship....not only that....but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm going to ask you again, do you have a cat?"
Lister: "No."
Hollister: (Holding up a photo of Lister and Frankenstein) "Have you got a cat?"
Lister: "Er, yes, that one."
Hollister: "Where'd you get it? Titan?"
Lister: "Yes."
Hollister: "Don't you realise that that thing could be carrying anything? Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits? Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere. It could get into the air ducts. It could get into Holly." (Hollister lifts his pen in the air, to signify Red Dwarf) "You know, a little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister, and before you know it we're flying backwards." (Hollister moves his pen in the air from right to left, to signify 'backwards flight') "Now I want that cat, and I want it now!"
Lister: "Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose. What would you do with Frankenstein?"
Hollister: "I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it."
Lister: "Would you put it back together when you'd finished?"
Hollister: "Lister, the cat would be dead."
Lister: "So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?"
Hollister: "Lister, give me that cat!"
Lister: "It's not as easy as that! Me and the cat, we're going to have a baby cat, and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji, and we're going to have a sheep and a cow and three horses, it's me *plan*, and no one can get in the way of it, not even you, and I do respect you!" (Remembers that Hollister is a Captain) "Sir!"
Hollister: "Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months wages?"
Lister: "No."
Hollister: "Do you want to give me that cat?"
Lister: "No!"
Hollister: "Choose."

[Int. Corridor.]
(Lister and Todhunter are walking down a corridor toward a stasis booth.)

Todhunter: "Look, Dave, no one wants to go through with this."
Lister: "It's okay, I can handle it."
(Two medical technicians are wheeling Rimmer past on a stretcher.)
Lister: "Rimmer, are you all right?"
Rimmer: (Looking a little like he's drunk) "I can't really remember. I think I did quite well."
(The technicians move on)
Lister: "Is this going to hurt?"
Todhunter: "Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?"
Lister: "No."
Todhunter: "Oh, you don't feel a thing. The stasis room creates a static field of time. See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a stasis field. So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for you time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero:"
Lister: "Oh. Simple as that, eh?"
(Todhunter opens the door and Lister steps inside.)
Lister: "OK, I'm ready."
Todhunter: "See you in 18 months."
Todhunter "closes the door"
Todhunter: (Speaking to Holly) "Holly, activate the stasis field."
Holly: "OK, Frank."
(We see Lister waving through the viewport to the stasis room. Suddenly he freezes)

[We see the Red Dwarf drifting through space as the background music indicates the passage of time.]

[Int. Stasis booth.]
(Lister, standing in his frozen state and still in the middle of a wave, unfreezes. The door opens and he walks out of the booth.)

Holly: "Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis."
Lister: "I've only just gone in!"
Holly: "Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing."
(Lister walks down the corridor, looking around. As he goes into the drive room, he notices small piles of white powder around the room)
Lister: "Where is everybody, Hol?"
(Lister sticks his finger in one of the piles of white powder and tastes it)
Holly: "They're dead, Dave."
Lister: "Who is?"
Holly: "Everybody, Dave."
Lister: "What, Captain Hollister?"
Holly: "Everybody's dead, Dave."
Lister: "What, Todhunter?"
Holly: "Everybody's dead, Dave"
Lister: "What, Selby?"
Holly: "They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave."

[Int. Corridor.]
(Lister is still trying to come to terms with what Holly is saying about the crew being dead.)

Lister: "Petersen isn't, is he?"
Holly: "Everybody is dead, Dave."
Lister: "Not Chen?"
Holly: "Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave."
Lister: "Rimmer?"
Holly: "He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!"
Lister: "Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?"
(Lister walks off-screen)
Holly: "I should never have let him out in the first place."

[Int. Drive room.]
(Lister enters. There are more of the little piles of white powder around the room.)

Lister: "How?"
Holly: "The drive plate was inefficiently repaired. It blew, and the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2 before I could seal the area."
(Lister brushes the powder off a chair and sits on it)
Lister: "Oh, this is terrible. And why is it so dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff?"
(Lister dips his finger in another pile and tastes it)
Holly: "That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen"
Lister: (Spitting it out) "Aargh! I've been eating half the crew! And who's that?"
Holly: "That's Captain Hollister"
Lister: "And that's Todhunter"
Holly: "No, that's Second Technician Rimmer"
Lister: "Oh, yeah? I didn't recognise him without his report book. What was Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?"
Holly: "He was explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly"
(Lister brushes Petersen's powder onto the floor and puts his feet up)
Lister: "So wait...How long was I in stasis?"
Holly: "Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level."
Lister: "How long?"
Holly: "Three million years."
Lister: "Three million years?!"
(Lister pauses for a second)
Lister: "I've still got that library book. And what about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?"
Holly: "She's dead, Dave"
Lister: "Oh, eh?"
Holly: "I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable"
Lister: "She was part of me plan. I never got round to telling her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji. She was going to wear a white dress and ride the horses and I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it"
Holly: "Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with"
Lister: "Holly!"
Holly: "Sorry. I'm sorry about that. I've been on my own for three million years, and I'm just used to saying what I think. I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth"
Lister: "So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? There's just me?"
Holly: "Well, technically speaking, yes"
Lister: "What do you mean, technically speaking?"
(Rimmer walks in. He's a hologram just like MacIntyre was)
Rimmer: "Hello, Lister. Long time no see"
Lister: "Rimmer! You're a hologram?!"
Rimmer: "Yes. That's because I'm dead. Dead as a can of spam. And it's all thanks to you!"
Lister: "Me? What did I do?"
Rimmer: "If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister, and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the drive plate, and I wouldn't be dead"
Lister: "What's it feel like?"
Rimmer: "Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans"
Lister: "No, I mean being a hologram"
(Lister waves his hand through Rimmer's stomach. Rimmer jumps back in disgust and Lister looks at his hand in amazement)
Rimmer: "Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister. I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions, but I can't touch anything. Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually"
Lister: "Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway!"
Rimmer: "But I would have done one day, murderer!"
Lister: "Hey, hey! I didn't do anything! It was you who didn't fix the drive plates properly"
Rimmer: (Looking at one of the piles of powder) "Is this me here?"
Lister: "Yeah"
Rimmer: "Me?"
Lister: "Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side"
Rimmer: "The bright side? What bright side? I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where's the bright side?"
Lister: "What's an iguana? And look, look, you're not dead, are ya? I mean, you're dead! But you're not dead dead, because you're still here, aren't you?"
Rimmer: "Lister, I'm not really here! I'm not really me! Don't you see? I'm a computer simulation of me. That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse droppings."
Lister: "Come on. Lot's of people have died. Lots of people have died and then gone on and done really, really well. You're a hologram. So what?"
Rimmer: "I suppose you're right, Lister. I've got to pull myself together. But you've got to help me. You've got to be my hands and my touch."
Lister: "I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it"
Rimmer: "Are you smoking, Lister? In the Drive Room?"
Lister: "Yeah. I stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now"
Rimmer: "You're on report, squire" (He reaches for his notebook, but it's not there.) "I can't write it down. I'll remember it"
Lister: "Ohhh! Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead"
Rimmer: "I beg your pardon?"
Lister: (Walking out of the room) "I said, you're still a smeghead"
Rimmer: "Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a deceased superior technician as a smeghead?"
(Rimmer goes to lean on a table, and falls through it)

[Int. corridor.]
(Rimmer is following Lister.)

Rimmer: "Lister, will you listen to me? Just listen to me"
Lister: "Just shut up. Shut up"
(They proceed out of sight. After they're gone, an air vent falls off the wall, and a guy dressed in a pink suit climbs out of the duct. This is the Cat. He does a somersault and three twirls)
Cat: "Aaahhh, ooowww, eee! How am I looking?" (He pulls out a small mirror.) "Looking nice. No, wait a minute. I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous. Aaaoooww, dangerous! Aaaooowww! Hey, what's that? Oh, it's my shadow. Hey, even my shadow's looking nice! I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice -- what a team! We are unbelievable! OK, team, this way" (He points in one direction and then changes his mind) "No, this way. Aaaooowww, yeah. (He reaches an intersection) This way!"

[Int. Another corridor.]
(Rimmer is still following Lister.)

Rimmer: "Lister, just hold your horses. Listen to me...."
(He's interrupted by the Cat spinning into view)
Cat: Aaaooowww!" (Notices Lister and Rimmer) "Uh oh. Better make myself look big!
(The Cat holds up his claws and looks fierce. Lister and Rimmer turn tail and run)
Cat: "ee hee! Fearsome. I was fearsome!" (Singing) "Just me and my shadow, ooohhh! Come on boy, walking down the avenue..."

[Int. Mess hall.]
(Lister and Rimmer are backing away from the door, until Lister backs into a table and nearly jumps out of his skin.)

Lister: "Aaahhh! Holly, what was that?"
Holly: "During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were safely sealed in the hold. And they've been breeding there for three million years, and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the corridor"
Lister: "I don't get it"
Holly: "Well, you know how mankind evolved from apes?"
Lister: "Yeah, I know that"
Holly: "He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats. He's descended from cats. He is a cat"
(Suddenly the Cat enters the room, twirling and howling)
Cat: "Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah..." (Freezing as he notices Rimmer and Lister)
Lister: "Hello ... Cat?"
Cat: (Noticing something on his sleeve) "Whoa! Crease!"
(Cat pulls out a small steam iron and runs it over the sleeve)
Rimmer: "Stand back, Lister"
(Screaming incoherently, Rimmer takes up a Kung Fu posture and leaps at the cat, hands and feet flying everywhere. He passes straight through the astonished Cat and disappears out the door)

[Int. Sleeping quarters.]
(Lister retrieves the milk and bowl and some cereal from his locker and pours some out.)

Lister: "Here you go, Cat"
Cat: "Ah, Krispies!"
Lister: "Holly says you like these"
Cat: "Mmmm!"
(Lister puts the bowl down on the floor, in the place he used to feed Frankenstein)
Cat: "Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor? Ain't you got no style or sophistication?"
Lister: "Oh, I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry"
(Lister picks up the bowl and puts it on the table in front of the Cat)
Cat: "You people are unbelievable"
(Cat starts to lick up the cereal and milk with his tongue)
Lister: "Where are all your other catty friends, Cat?"
Cat: "Good Krispies, man!"
Lister: "But where are all the other little kitties? Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left you?"
Rimmer: "Who cares? I want it off the ship!"
Lister: "No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?"
Rimmer: "Home? And where exactly is home supposed to be?"
Lister: "Earth."
Rimmer: "Earth? What makes you think there'll be any Earth, Lister? And even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years."
(Cat takes out a toothbrush and begins grooming and preening his eyebrows)
Rimmer: "Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into? To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans."
Lister: "I could smarten meself up a bit."
Rimmer: "Nah. You're a dinosaur. You're extinct. You've got nothing."
Lister: "Hey, hey! I've still got me plan. And I've still got a cat. OK, it's not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat"
Cat: "Did you say Frankenstein?"
Lister: "Yeah. She was your great great great great great great grandmother or something."
Cat: "The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth? No one believes that stuff!"
Rimmer: "The Virgin Birth?!"
Lister: "No, it was a big black tom on Titan."
Cat: "Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school. The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who gaveth of his life that we might live."
Lister: "No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister! It's Lister the ... stupid?!"
Cat: "Who shall returneth to lead us to Fushal, the Promised Land."
Lister: "No, it's not Fushal, it's Fiji! And I will! I'll lead you there." (Lister turns to Rimmer) "That's where we're going. Holly, plot a course for Fiji. Look out, Earth...the slime's coming home!"

(Overlaid on the screen in title characters, we read: THE BEGINNING)

Credits

Arnold J Rimmer
Chris Barrie

Dave Lister
Craig Charles

Cat
Danny John-Jules

Holly
Norman Lovett

Frank Todhunter
Robert Bathurst

Chen
Paul Bradley

Selby
David Gillespie

Captain Hollister
Mac McDonald

George MacIntyre
Robert McCulley

Olaf Petersen
Mark Williams

Kochanski
C P Grogan

Written by
Rob Grant & Doug Naylor

Music
Howard Goodall
(Theme tune sung by Jenna Russell)

Developed for Television by
Paul Jackson Productions

Graphic Designer
Mark Allen

Visual Effects Designer
Peter Wragg

Properties Buyer
Duncan Wheeler

Assistant Floor Manager
Dona Distefano

Production Assistant
Alison Thornber

Unit Manager
Mario Dubois

Production Manager
George R. Clarke

Costume Designer
Jackie Pinks

Make-up Designer
Suzanne Jansen

Vision Mixer
Jill Dornan

Camera Supervisor
Melvyn Cross

Technical Co-ordinator
Ron Clare

Videotape Editor
Ed Wooden

Lighting Director
John Pomphrey

Sound Supervisor
Tony Worthington

Designer
Paul Montague

Executive Producer
Paul Jackson

Produced & Directed by
Ed Bye

MCMLXXXVII